The Old Croak Page

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Hi folks, Al here, with the sordid details about our Old Croak mascot.

He started life as a flask of maple syrup from Reynolds Sugar Bush, purchased on a trip by myself to the Winnipeg Folk festival back in the 1970s. After the syrup was used up, the bottle became a whiskey flask. Well-used, I must say, travelling the north country with the band.

Since the old label was wearing away, I figured I'd just get some more syrup. Seems they don't sell these joke bottles any more around here, so I started looking on the web for one. It turns out that there were a whole slew of these silly labels used not only on maple syrup, but for honey and as bar lamps, coasters, salt & pepper shakers, and mini bottles of fake whiskey. A whole new world of corny comedy!

They were originally put out by the Par Beverage Company of Cincinnati, sold as novelties through Stucky's restaurants as little bottles of sugar-water, and the product of the fertile mind of one Nelson Ronsheim.

Ronsheim was self-employed as a commercial artist in Cincinnati and wrote and designed these gag bottles. He was also a black & white photographer of note whose work was hung in galleries across the country in the late 30's and early 40's.

There's an e-mail from Ronsheim's grandson on our letters page.

In the course of this I have obtained a set of coasters (we use them at practice), some mini-bottles, several gummed labels and a couple of Old Grand-Gag syrup flasks. And we are still using our original Old Croak flask...so if you happen to find one somewhere, send us an email.

see more labels here

Our Old Croak 78 rpm record label was assembled by combining the Old Croak Crow with an late 20s Columbia label.
It turned out quite handsome if I do say so myself.

This history of Old Croak Straight Embalming Fluid was found on the web some years ago...
If you know who the author is, drop us a line and we can give due credit.

Garvin Swink, the first, was the inventor of “Old Croak Straight Embalming Fluid.” Most of Garvin I’s life has been well documented, but one little known fact is how “Old Croak” got its name. When Garvin I was a kid, he found a young crow that had been orphaned and raised by a family of bullfrogs, so that it never learned to caw correctly. The best it could ever manage was a coarse “caw-roak”, and so that was what Garvin called his pet. Soon after Garvin started distilling his unique product, he discovered that “Old Caw-roak” dearly loved to drink the brew. Unfortunately, “Old Caw-roak” fell into a vat one afternoon and drowned (even though they were able to get him out three times.) So, to honor the memory of his pet, Garvin started calling his concoction “Old Croak.”

Garvin Swink I, using the profits from “Old Croak”, decided he wanted a doctor in the family, so he sent his eldest son, Garvin II, to medical school at the Bug Tussle College of Medicine, which he had endowed with a grant of $5. During his college career, Garvin II discovered the medicinal properties which his family’s product possessed. His personal pursuits resulted in his decision to market “Old Croak” as “Dr. Swink’s Magic Love Elixir No. 69” with the result of quadrupling the size of the family distillery, family fortune and other family assets. It is not known what happened to Garvin II. The last anyone saw of him was while he was working to determine the amount of “Dr. Swink’s Magic Love Elixir No. 69” to take in given situations. His last known notes were that after consuming two full bottles, he had fallen in love with Eleanor Roosevelt but that his wife (the former Ima Hogg of the Turkey Pen Holler Hoggs) still did not look “nune too good.” It is rumored that Garvin II moved to Montana and took up sheep herding. Ima changed her name to Fanny Maye, married a preacher, and started a TV show.

Garvin II’s son, Garvin Swink III, preferred the rural life and possessed a real interest in and talent for animal husbandry. He hit upon the idea of mixing his father’s “Dr. Swink’s Magic Love Elixir No. 69” with the alfalfa normally fed to his cattle, with the hope of making them more interested in increasing the size of the herd. It had unforeseen effects upon the digestive systems of the cattle. The result was a tremendous increase in the amount of meadow muffins produced. Since Garvin III was up to his neck, literally, in meadow muffins, in desperation he started selling said product as Organic Fertilizer – just before he and the family business went under (in more ways than one!)

Garvin III’s eldest son, Garvin Swink IV, also preferred the rural life and had a strong interest in tobacco farming. His use of his father’s Organic Meadow Muffins” on his crops produced a very strong and aromatic tobacco plant. Since he smoked a Missouri Meerschaum, he did not concern himself with any other uses of the tobacco. Garvin IV was content to produce only enough for his own use which, by the way, caused him enough problems keeping his plants hidden from the DEA. Garvin IV also used his Great-grandfather’s “Dr. Swink’s Magic Love Elixir No. 69” every day of his life. He died at the age of 101, after being shot by a jealous husband. They had to bury him on his side so that they could get the lid of the coffin closed. He was survived by his 12th wife, Monika, and 43 legitimate children.

Garvin IV’s son, Garvin V, didn’t contribute much to the family business. He was more interested in personal use of the company’s products. However, “Secund Cussin’ twicet removed” Fidel Swink had just arrived in the United States after having fled from Cuba. Looking to establish his own empire, Cuzzin’ Fidel was quick to realize what a valuable product the tobacco was. Combining his knowledge of cigars with the unique tobacco Garvin IV had developed, he started aging the tobacco in vats of “Old Croak”. (This added not only to the cigar’s flavor, but also added a very unique kick to the “Old Croak” as well!) It is bragged about by the Swink family that their cigars were much favored in the Oval Office a few years back (especially the crooked ones.) Cuzzin’ Fidel eventually married Garvin I’s great-great-great-granddaughter, Rowena V, and went on to control the Swink family empire. Fidel and Rowena V’s descendants did not add any products to the family empire, but with the simple idea of making new labels for the bottles, they were able to sell “Old Croak” in many new markets such as: paint remover, sheep dip, ear wax remover, bass boat fuel, hair remover and many others as well.